Aftersun sessions 2022 : How to improvise and speak well on the spot

In September 2022, learn key skills to improve your speaking confidence and personal brand, your ability to answer questions well and to speak on-the-spot without preparation. Places are limited to 12pp. Contact me by email to subscribe or in the case of questions.

Flyer – Aftersun Sessions 2022 – Improvise and speak well on the spot

Here’s how the training will work :

In session one, we will start with two demonstration. First, any participant will ask a random question to the trainer, who will have to speak on the spot. In the second demonstration, a random participant will give the trainer a random topic to speak on. Participants will observe the behaviours being used.

There are a few simple and key techniques to use in both situations. During the demonstration debrief, we will be sure these are understood by everyone. One or two participants will exercise immediately practice by way of another demonstration to everyone else; the trainer will give feedback and correct in order to ensure understanding for everyone.

Splitting into sub-groups and breakout rooms, participants for first practice, feedback and discussion.

A Q+A session with the trainer follows that moment. More examples and tips may be share at this point before the final learning point and setting of homework.

Between session 1 and session 2, participants will be expected to practice improvising. They will be provided topics and questions to use by the trainer.

Session 2 is dedicated to practice, refinement and additional tips. In principle, the working method is “participant” driven, meaning :

Sub-groups are given a specific exercise to try, for example : Answering questions on the spot when they “snowball” and the importance of keeping clear structure for all involved …. or ….. dealing with “aggressive questions”

Following the exercise, positive and negative feedback on any delivery aspect is given by participants. Where necessary, the trainer will give new techniques to use. For example, we may discuss how to use voice well, or how to effectively move between parts of a speech, or speaking better with a camera online.

Participants will go back into groups for the next set exercise ….

As this process continues, we thus build a list of specific good practices or tactics to use when speaking on the spot, in addition to the main learning points from day 1.

Following each session, participants will receive training materials in the form of PPT, chat and other resources (video, blog, book references).

Practical information :

Training will take place via Zoom, the room opening 15 minutes before start time.

There will be a convenience pause during each session.

Price for the full is 190 euros + VAT. An invoice can be provided.

The ONE BIG POINT for any kind of leader (spoiler: It’s Covey’s first habit)

“You don’t have to be a “real leader” to be a leader.” At least, that’s what one of the participants in my training told me this week. 

But I disagreed as soon as I heard the beginning of his story. Because he IS a real leader. So I told him that. 

“Yes, but I mean: I wasn’t leading a real team of people towards some real kind of objective” he replied.

… and that’s where he told the story that makes my ONE BIG POINT here.

“I was sitting at the dinner table after lunch on Sunday and my little girl told me she was still hungry. She always wants more than anyone else,” he added. “Normally I start making offers of things she could eat and, of course, she replies that she doesn’t like this or that or doesn’t want some other thing. But this time I did something different.”

When I asked him what, I was particularly happy. Not by what he actually did, nor by the “result” achieved. But by the fact that in only his first day of training with me the week before, he had got the ONE BIG POINT I want all training participants in my my leadership courses to get.

Yes, there is a ton of stuff you can do to be a good leader. And even more things you can put your focus on at any given time. You can set clear mission statements and align people to them, you can help people with motivation, create strategic action, coach and give good feedback … etc … etc…

But that’s not the ONE BIG POINT.

“So what did you do?” I asked.

“Well first I did what we learnt” he replied. “I stopped and I thought for a second. Just to break the natural cycle. I realised I didn’t want to do the things I normally do that lead to the results I normally get.”

So I asked again: “Cool. But what DID you do?” and he told me he simply said to his daughter that she should go to the kitchen and figure something out for herself.

“Really?” she replied with a big smile.
“Really!” he said. And off she went.

Then came the pure gold: He was about to get up and follow her to the kitchen when he asked himself: “Do I REALLY need to go and watch her? Do we REALLY to talk more about this?” Again, he slowed down his natural reaction just a little …

“Have fun!” he told her, his bum stuck solidly to his chair. And indeed, she did.

So this is my point, THE ONE POINT : 

(Remember, its actually Covey’s first habit, but I figured if I acknowledge that and totally agree, I can say it’s my ONE BIG POINT too right?)

It doesn’t matter if you call yourself a “real leader” or not, if you have a formal team to manage, a family you love or a some other group of people you work with. It doesn’t matter if you do things one way or the other, just like it doesn’t matter if you tend to focus on the “tick-in-the-box”, KPIs or service-level agreements, the well-being of people or the development of their competences.

What matters is that if you just slow down a moment, stop and bring some focus to what you DO want, what IS going on and ask A FEW GOOD QUESTIONS, you’ll already be doing a lot better than a lot of “leaders” who just jump into their natural (often) unconscious behaviours.

“Well played” I already thought…. But the story wasn’t quite over yet.

He told me that about an hour later his daughter came proudly back to the family with a chocolate cake, a smile and a cuddle for Dad 🙂

Well played again, I thought 🙂

That’s a great leader!

(Dedicated to Hans)

Thanks for reading 

If you are interested in joining one of my training sessions or helping your teams to get a better grip on leadership or other topics, have a look around and see what captures your interest. Check out the “About Me” page and don’t be afraid to “Contact Me“. Hope to see you soon !

Force your creativity with 2 Rs and a couple of tips …

Sometimes you need to get creative and do things differently. But many people don’t know how to do that, believing it’s “just a knack” that people have or that its not part of their genes. Having had the good fortune to kick-off my working career in a creative branding agency, I am happy to know that this is simply not true. Being creative is process and a skill you can learn. And a couple of tips can take you a long way...

My eleven year old daughter is doing a school project on clothing-design and tomorrow she is going to have to “create” something at school. She just told me she was worried, because most of the time her inspiration comes from browsing around the internet, and the internet will not be available to her in class.

This reminded me of one of my early moments faced with the same problem: How do you “get creative” when you aren’t feeling creative? In my story, it was 2001 and I was working for a small international branding agency in the UK. I had the internet (albeit with a 56k modem connection!) but I was still stuck. My boss told me to “get out of here” and sent me off to a museum. It didn’t take long before some inspiration for my (unrelated) project came. So there’s out first tip… if you want to get inspired, change your scenery.

But we can do better than that with 2 of the Rs I discovered in WhatIf’s book “Sticky Wisdom” at the time :

Find a RELATED world

This means you “go” to a place which has some kind of link or analogy with the topic you are working on. In 2006, I was facilitating a brainstorming session to help a recruitment team come up with better ways to attract young talent in a tight employment market. We created an analogy of trying to catch ants you can’t find in a kitchen. Before we knew it, we were working on all kinds of related ideas (putting down sugary traps, redirecting the ants to another place, having big boots, recruiting predators to suck them up…) before translating THOSE ideas out of the analogy and back to our original problem. I won’t bore you with the results now, but I can promise you: They had more ideas than they had when they sat around the table just hoping someone would come up with something!

For my daughter, she could make things a little more simple. Instead of “designing clothes” she could start thinking about designing houses, or guns, or fantasy football teams. Or she could forget “designing” and think about “stocking clothes”, “selling clothes” or any other related world. It really doesn’t matter. She WILL see things differently.

Of course, she could just go out for a walk around the (inside of) the school and look at the related world of colours and forms and see what inspiration that brings.

Working from something random …

Work from something RANDOM

The second R is the one that has actually led me writing this blog today. Not because its SO amazing, nor because I’ve proven as a coach how it helps people to find new ways to achieve their goals. I am sharing it now because my daughter is STILL inspired and busy at work as I write, 30 minutes after I shared the idea and kick-started her on her way. And since I have the computer, she has no internet 🙂

Random truly means random. You can pick a random object, take a word from a book or ask someone to talk to you about anything they like. That is the way in. Now see where it takes you. It’s a simple as that. Sometimes things just flow out.

I explained this idea to the little one and popped off to the fridge to get a tomato and a knife. She cut it, she looked at it.. and as you can see in the video above, the rest is history 🙂

Before I go, here are a few final tips to help you create creativity when you need to :

• Find a friend. Because friends are awesome. And 2 + 2 = 5.
• Don’t try and get anything right. Creativity is about flow. Selection, correction and perfection can come later.
• Use all your senses
• Have resources available when you need them (even if its not the internet)
• Take a break as soon as you feel like it. Don’t try and force the energy.
• Drink some water. Trust me on that one.

If you read this and it inspires you, please try something or add a comment below. And don’t forget to share your ideas with other people. It makes the world go round!

Thanks for reading. Don’t forget to subscribe and share the post.

Then go be creative!

D

How to stop procrastinating about a decision – the simple way

Some decisions come easily. It’s a gut feeling and you just know what to do. But other decisions can get us stuck forever. It took me almost two years (2006-2008) to finally decide to work for myself.

I was recently asked how I did commit to that decision and I remembered the process a good friend took me through. It is essentially a “risk management” type process which you can use to forget about long lists or worries and woes about how it will all turn out…

My decision to work for myself did not come without the usual worries : What if it doesn’t work? Will I make enough money? Is it the right time? In the summer of 2008, I was expecting my 3rd child, had bills to pay and my wife was a full-time mother. I didn’t want to get it wrong. And as we all know, fear is a wonderful way to do nothing. In fact, I had already been ruminating for nearly two years.

One day I spoke about it with my friend Kevin and he asked me a few questions that finally sealed the deal. When you are faced with worry about if you really can decide to “do that”, these might help you …

If it works ….

Kevin asked me to estimate on a scale of 1-to-1o the likelihood that it would work out. At the time, I was a learning and development manager with a great bunch of contacts of like-minded learning people and I was planning to start-up as a freelance trainer. I figured someone was bound to give me some work. I had loads of energy, felt very creative and was good at networking. And I had no doubt about my ability to deliver. I estimated a “7”.

Then he asked: “If it does work, how would you measure the impact scale of 1-to-10?” adding that I could think about happiness, money, pride … whatever I wanted. I answered immediately with a conservative 10 🙂 It was exactly what I wanted for so many reasons, I would manage myself and my time, make great money and be much happier.

What if it doesn’t work?

Kevin immediately followed up with that one. “Now estimate from 1-to-10 the negative impact if it doesn’t work out”, he said. On that day, I had 20,000 euros in a savings account, which would give me quite some buffer for not having work immediately. I figured that if I didn’t have ANY work in 6 months, I could double-down for a few more months before I’d be forced to look for another job. As a 30-year old with a pretty nice CV at that time, I thought having a “failed” 9-month attempt at entrepreneurialism wouldn’t be the end of the world. I could always spin-it nicely and surely I’d get another good job one day? Even flipping burgers would pay the bills if we cut back. I estimated the potential impact of failure at a “2”. It would only be money after-all.

And then he asked me: “And what is the likelihood of that all going wrong?” At this point, you might be asking yourself if this method is worth anything at all. Surely these estimations are not worth anymore that that? But as I said in a previous post, we all have tendencies to make up stories that are not worth much. So if you’re already lost in those stories, why not bring a little method to the madness?

So I thought about it: I have a good network, I’m creative etc etc …. I reckon its a “2” again.

When you have measured probability and impact of the reward/risk, its time to do the maths

Anyone who has even been a project or risk manager already knows what we are doing here. Its a typical method. If you want to do it better, you can ask some experts and experienced people to throw in their thoughts on probability and impact. Or you can be a dreamer like me. Either way, you can use this tool to make a decision.

The final step is to multiply the results for reward / risk.

In my case, the result for “reward” was 7 (likelihood it works) x 10 (impact if it does) = 70

The result for “risk” was 2 (likelihood it doesn’t work) x 2 (impact if it doesn’t work) = 4

… and that was that: 70 vs 4. I couldn’t help but say “OK …. I gotta do it”

Now: You can question this method all you want. But this is a tool for when you are stuck with questioning things. So if you are stuck with an important decision, try this and let me know how it goes.

Thanks for reading 🙂

Good luck!

Stay safe,

D

CV

October 2008 – Present

Freelance trainer + coach, speaker and learning consultant

• Training and coaching in presentation and pitching skills, communication, leadership + negotiation skills
• Consolidation of marketing campaign tools for a large multinational manufacturing company to create one key playbook; supported with learning initiative to help turn their Product Managers into Product Marketeers
• October 2008 – November 2021:
  • Over 12,000 people (group) trained and (individually) coached
  • Participants from over 550 different companies, across 4 continents
  • Training delivery in French, English (native tongue) + collaborations for Dutch
• Design and implementation of competence management system for asbl of 60 people
• Conference speaker on topics including burnout, non-violent communication, leadership and social-media for learning
  • Highlight = “selling out” the Ballroom at Caesar’s Palace, Las Vegas during ATD conference 2 years in a row
• Development and facilitation of brainstorming sessions for a variety of companies
• Trusted partner for NCOI
• Active member ATD
• Publications:
  • “Improving Formal Learning with Social Media” (Whitepaper, 2015)
  • “Onboard With It All” (TD Magazine)

September 2006 – September 2008

Learning and Development Manager, LOGICA (now CGI)

• Design and implementation of strategic learning plan for +/-500 employees, consulting with all stakeholders to identify needs, create and roll-out relevant approach
• Management L+D budget
• Belgian champion of Performance Management System
• Working with internal experts to design and develop learning initiatives to be “delivered” by them
• Delivery of soft-skills training and other bespoke internal training modules
• Management of all internal and external training resources
• Other specific HR projects/initiatives designed to improve retention/employee performance

September 2003 – September 2006

Training Manager, SITEL

• Head of training department, responsible for all company trainers
• Development and implementation of operational call-centre training solutions
• Trainer in communication and behavioural skills

September 2002 – September 2003

Trainer, SITEL

• Design and delivery of technical training programmes
• Support of international call-centre programmes

July 2002 – September 2002

Temporary Employment, following move to Belgium

• Moving boxes for Disport
• Getting up early and earning minimum wage … but learning French 🙂

June 2000 – June 2002

Project Manager, NOMEN INTERNATIONAL (UK)

• Project management from initial brief to final presentation for international branding agency
• Management of creative team and leader of brainstorming sessions
• Day-to-day management of UK office
• Major project: Creation and implementation of brand-naming strategy for Vodafone UK
• Other international clients incl. Sony, Bosch, Procter and Gamble, Unilever, Philips, Toyota

Millenium

Back-packing Australia

• 9 months travelling following completion of university degree
• Dec 31st 1999 at the harbour 🙂

September 1996 – June 1999

Reading University, Berkshire, UK

• Graduate Philosophy degree, 2:1
• Top of 2nd year: Logic
• Dissertation on the concept of “Trust”

September 1994 – June 1996

Sir Joseph Williamson’s Mathematical School, Rochester, Kent, UK

• A-levels in Philosophy, Psychology and Music

Pre-September 1994

Sir Joseph Williamson’s Mathematical School, Rochester, Kent, UK

• 8 GCSEs including Double Science, Mathematics and English Literature : 2 x A*, 3 x A, 3 x B

Always

• Authentic, good communicator, serious about pleasing clients
• Musician, surfer, father of 3 daughters
• Love “big” movies and would love to meet all 7 billion people
• Debut single “Hide and Seek” available on all platforms
  • including YouTube … right here

Facing facts

Yesterday, inspired by my 14-yr-old, I wrote a post called “Facing Fear“. Today I caught myself posting on Facebook that I was “making up stories in my head”. Then I remembered this quaint little acronym : “FEAR is False Evidence Appearing Real”. Meditating on that this morning has been helpful and led me to focus instead on facing the FACTS…

We all have our monsters. Some of them exist in the real world and we are right to be scared of them. But many of them are just stories we have made up in our heads.

The Buddha is reported to have said that “all pain and suffering comes from attachment to desire and ego”. This is not to say that when you get burnt, the fire didn’t cause you pain. But to say that much of what causes us distress is our attachment to some story we have made up in our head (some form of “ego”) that we can’t let go of.

To better understand this, let’s take an example : Suppose you have a meeting to go to and on the way, your car breaks down. That little voice might say “Oh no, I’m screwed” or “This is terrible” or “There is nothing I can do about it”.

What is happening? You had a plan and something happened. In this new moment, you have a memory of the past planning you did and things you wanted (to have a meeting) and an idea about what you want to happen in the future (to go to the meeting). Neither of these things now correspond to the current reality (not going) and you get annoyed, stressed, worried etc… It is the separation between reality and story that causes the pain. It is the separation between reality and story that IS the pain.

If you think about this a little, you’ll see that much of what annoys you, stresses you, makes you angry (or even makes you happy!) is not “true” in the traditional sense.

So what is this ego? What are these stories? What does all this mean in REALITY and how can we get out of it?

If you want the Buddha’s answer, do the research. If you think you can turn off this “ego”, try meditation (good luck!). And if acceptance is your thing, thats cool too. But a little bit of “cheap psychology” and fact-checking might help too.

MANY of the things causing the fear we have are simply not based in reality. A voice in our head is telling us all sorts of things. Most people have a tendency to over-identify with that voice, as it were “me” or “the real me”. Others believe is is just a thing that happens in your body over which you have no control, just like your breathing or your hair-growing.

When this little worrying voice comes up, here’s how it goes: First, there is a thought that comes out of nowhere. You can’t help it, it just happens. Somehow, on autopilot, you compare that (random, uncontrolled) thought with your memories and/or wishes for the future. Then you make conclusions and predictions about “what IS”. This is all normal.

But, in the words of Mr Dylan “It ain’t me babe”. It’s just a thing that happens. A thinking habit. A PIECE of what you DO. But not you, and oftentimes, not true. And to be more philosophical, it’s pretty strange to attach oneself to all this non-existant stuff. The past is gone and the future doesn’t exist yet. In short: Right now is just right now: Stuff is happening, including a little voice in your head. That’s it.

So check the facts. Example in case: In today’s economic and health situation, I am (was?) today worrying about the future. I am capable of telling myself “I’ll run out of money” or “No-one can help me” or “This thing could go on forever and I won’t be able to be freelance anymore”. These are normal worries for everyone IMO. But they are not “truth”, in the sense that they are not current reality. They are that little voice thinking about a (thus far) non-existant future and a (gone) preferred past.

This is not to deny that things might turn out as I imagine. And IMO I would be naive to think it will all be all right out of pure optimism. That would be just the same functioning : more stories in my head.

So what DAN? What do you want to really say?

Check the FACTS. Anything that isn’t fact NEEDS to be accepted as no more than a story or hypothesis to test or include in risk-analysis. But not more. Not worry, not stress, not fear. If you can already separate for yourself what IS true and what is your own story, you are going in the right direction. Try it..

When I see things on social media about what might happen for the Corona virus, it can almost immediately create worry in me (without any effort from the real me :). What do I do? I check belgium.be for the latest facts. Everything else is conjecture, fakenews and fear-mongering.

When I worry about paying bills and wonder if anyone will help me, I check the facts. I heard something about loan repayments being put off. Research… call the bank.

How many times in your life did you worry about something only to find out if didn’t happen? And how many times did you think “Oh, I should have checked that, or thought about that” ? This is hard to do because we get swept away by the worry, the little voice.

There is a lot of stuff in reality today that IS problematic for people. I do NOT deny it and I do NOT suggest ignoring it. I only add that there is also a lot of worry not properly grounded in fact. Go check.

Good luck to all.

More from me on this whole “stories” and “perception” thing:

• I can’t and the amazing truth about us all
• Speaking the truth and non-voilent communication
• Obligations don’t exist

2 of my short stories:

• The man who made up stories
• The depressed inventor

…otherwise, I would strongly recommend checking out YouTube videos or books from Alan Watts. I don’t want to start listing all my favourite links to this guy. Just know that he was the first (1950s) and foremost expert on Eastern Philosophy, including Zen Buddhism. If you dig anything I said above, you might like him too.

Facing fear

I will admit it immediately: This post IS inspired by all the Corona mess. But I won’t talk about that any more.

I want to tell you what my 14 year old had to say about being “on hold” and not being sure how to move forward. With the innocence of a child and the natural creativity that goes with it, I think she made a great point : It’s scary to do the things we aren’t used to. And since the older we get, the more get used to, it’s only going to get harder unless something changes. It is time to face up to the fear and dare to do something different. And a change in point-of-view might help …

 

 

It all started with cancelled training: Since no-one is in the office, a trainer like me can’t go in and teach about how to pitch an idea, or how to negotiate a deal, or how to manage people. My daughter asked me “Why don’t you do ‘tele-travail’ (working at distance) like everyone else?”

I had a whole load of answers from “Its not the same thing” and “My clients prefer ….” to “I need to be careful with my brand” and “I like to be WITH the people” and, importantly “I’m not sure I want to do that”.

Next daughter question (where does she get this stuff from??) : “Give me one idea of what you DO want to do today” to which I replied that I planned to work on fitness and fix a few things in the house. And then came the magic.. she said “Thats because you know how to do those things and you know what you will get” (!!)

Now, I’m not the guy who tends to, or likes to, think “It’ll never work” but this did strike a chord with me : If I’m truly honest, I have no idea what the future will bring and yes, like many a 42-year old, I may well be getting stuck in my ways. Underneath my “wait and see when this all stops” attitude, there has also been quite a bit of “… and I can’t do anything about it”. I felt silly. I know too much to act like that. (Or maybe I act like that BECAUSE I know too much!)

 

At this point in the story, I was already feeling inspired to get out there and make things happen. “Focus on what you CAN control” and all that. But I didn’t have a chance before she doubled-down and threw her next point into the mix. She said :

“Imagine you were a 25 year old just starting out and you wanted to help people get better at the things you teach. You’d be in THIS reality from the start and you’d be asking yourself ‘How can I set this up?’… So, ask yourself that: ‘How can I set this up?’ ”

What did I get out of all this? What do I really want to say? What is the lesson to be learned ?

 

Our experience and knowledge and “the way things are” puts us in the box. And when the box starts to change form or get broken, it CAN be scary. Looking outside IS hard. Being fresh IS hard. Not KNOWING how things are going to go means trying something new, taking risks, and the possibility of failure. And so its easier to just stick to what you know and hope for the best.

But if you can admit that MAYBE you don’t know everything and MAYBE you have a few assumptions, then MAYBE you can entertain a new point of view, even if only for a moment. It might be scary and it might not work, but there might be a chance for some new results.

 

“I can’t” and the amazing truth about us all

We say “I can’t” all the time: 

“I can’t come to dinner, because it’s my wife’s birthday.”

“I can’t stop smoking. Its too hard.”

“I can’t figure out why I’m so tired. I’m just tired.”

 

But its never true. Every “I can’t” is always an “I don’t want to”: 

“I don’t want to come to dinner because I prioritise my wife’s birthday.”

“I don’t want to have to deal with “too hard” while I quit smoking.”

“I don’t want to figure out why I’m so tired. I’m satisfied with ‘so tired’.”

 

If we can realise that “I can’t” is never an expression of ability, we will be more truthful about what it really expresses: Willingness.

If we can replace “I can’t” with “I don’t want to”, we will be more honest with ourselves and everyone else.

It will be hard, but we will be willing to do “hard”.

 

“Of course,” you will say, “there are limits to this denial of can’t.”

“OK, maybe I don’t want to go to dinner with you, but I can’t play anything on a violin! ”

 

But it’s not true. There are no limits.

If I want to play a violin, I will play a violin. It’s as simple as that. We are all amazing. We are all limitless. And we are all able.

If we want to be.

 

“No, no, that’s enough,” you will say, grasping at straws. “There are still some things I can’t do :

I can’t jump over a tall building without any aid from technology.”

And you will wait for me to say that you could try if you wanted to.

But I won’t. Because that’s not the point and not the truth that gives rise to the point.

 

Yes. There are some limits in physical ability.

I could not go out today and complete an Iron Man faster than anyone ever did.

I can’t jump over a tall building.

 

But that is not a reductio ad absurdum to the real point.

Because the point is not about physical limits and you damn well know it.

When did you ever say “I can’t jump over a tall building” until today ?

You are just looking to argue your way out of hearing the truth about how we all speak all the time.

And the truth about who we really are.

 

The point is about being a lion, not a victim. 

We all have amazing ability.

We all have dreams.

We all have a “real me” hidden behind the bullshitting victim that other “me” is trying so hard to cling on to.

We can all be decisive and take ownership for whatever action we choose to go out and get.

We can all dare to announce to the world the limits we choose to place on ourselves.

And we can all believe in and be willing to be who we really are and do what we really want.

 

Sometimes I don’t want to.

And that’s OK.

 

But I always can.

And that’s the amazing truth about us all.

 

 

Speaking the truth with non-violent communication

The following is a collection of phrases that I regularly think, say myself or hear other people saying. Some seem positive and some seem negative. But none of them are true.

Understanding this and practicing the habit of speaking the truth results from my learning about non-violent communication. Sometimes non-violent communication is about respect towards others and sometimes it is about self-respect. It seems helpful to me because I can more easily share opinions with others, being more open-minded and leaving room for dialogue in place of conflict. When I practice non-violent communication with myself, I feel more self-aware and more confident.

 

I say: I have to write that report this evening

How many times have I thought and said such a phrase? The problem here is that such obligations don’t exist. No-one has a gun to my head and I am free to choose the consequences of not meeting the deadline. When I hold myself to such obligations, I am denying my own ability to choose what seems right to me. And when I use this as an excuse to stay home instead of having dinner with friends, I am being dishonest about my preferences.

I prefer to say: A deadline was set for the end of the day and I would prefer to write this report to achieve that deadline 

 

I say: I’m no good at playing the piano

Sticking labels on myself and my incompetence doesn’t make me feel good about myself. If I can’t play the piano at all today, it might seem fair enough to say I have a limited ability to play the piano. But when I judge that limited ability as “bad” I am holding myself to a standard which I value and then labelling myself as sub-standard. In my head, I create a self-image of someone hopeless.

I prefer to say: At the moment, I can’t play the piano to the standard I would like

Or: I can currently make sounds with a piano that do not correspond to the first graded level of piano playing

 

I say: That’s ridiculous!

..and I wish I could stop saying this! Sometimes it goes so quickly: Someone shares their ideas on things and in a flash before I can even stop myself, I pronounce these words, as if I was the holder of all the answers, the one who knows everything about everything. This kind of language is oppressive and impolite at the worst. At the very least, it translates as “What you say is stupid” and therefore doesn’t seem a nice thing to say.

I prefer to say: I don’t agree with your idea. It doesn’t fit with my way of seeing things.

Or: Given the information we have and my own vision and knowledge of the topic, I don’t see how that can work.

 

I say: She made me really angry

No she didn’t. She did something and I was angry. Anger is not something someone else can cause in me. To make such a statement is to deny the boundaries of responsibility when it comes to feelings. My anger is mine. Her (in)actions or words are hers. Changing this phrase to the preferred statement (below) helps me to take more responsibility for my anger and also to question which values and goals I have that are not in-line with the actions of the other person.

I prefer to say: She did XYZ and I feel angry

 

I say: It’s a beautiful day

Seems fair, right? But the truth is only that there are no clouds in the sky and the sun is shining with more heat than it was yesterday. It is also true that I like that kind of weather. But when I name things as “beautiful” I am imposing my vision of the world onto reality. Does this make it true? If I can imagine anyone having a different opinion (agricultural industry? not enough rain?) this should be enough for me to recognise that my words are no more than personal opinion.

I prefer to say: I like the weather today

 

All of the preferred statements above are attempts to use non-violent communication. For the purpose of this blog, I would define “violent communication” as any speech that mixes up (my) perception with (the) factual reality and imposes the former onto other people. When I push my vision of things on other people, it is not respectful to our differences or potential difference of opinions. It is a form of verbal aggression which can lead to confusion, conflict, loss of dialogue and even sadness and bitterness.

For example, telling my children they are being “bad girls” or that they “can’t do that” are simple everyday examples of violent communication that seek to impose my values onto them and to bend them to my will. As a parent, I might find it best that I decide for my children what they can and cannot do and I might even want to impose that on them. But when I present my ideas to them as the truth about “good” and “bad”, “allowed” and “not allowed”, my communication is violent: It imposes my vision of reality onto them in a non-respectful way. This particularly worries me since I know that my kids are like little sponges soaking up everything Daddy says for the future. If I can learn to instead say that “I don’t like what you are doing” or “In my house, I want you to follow my rules” this is much closer to the truth. It will open the dialogue with my children towards mutual understanding of what we all (don’t) like and or (don’t) want. And I leave them free to form their own opinion.

Outside of family life, the same idea is valid in many environments. I might argue that something is “not fair” when I really mean to say that “I don’t feel comfortable with it” or “I’d like to find other solutions where I get more of what I want”. I might say “You’re performance is unacceptable” when a non-violent version would say “I expected you to achieve XYZ and you haven’t so I am not satisfied”. I might say “You’re disturbing me” when the truth is that “I’m working on something now and I don’t want to talk’.

 

When we use non-violent communication, we respect the rights of other people to think differently and (importantly) we give them an open-door to reply with their own vision of things. We state things as they truly are and not only as we see them.

If you are in the business of oppression and control, stay violent. But if you want respectful communication and the possibility of dialogue that leads to sharing and deeper mutual understanding , go non-violent.

 

See also:

• Marshall B Rosenburg’s book “Non Violent Communication: A Language of Life”
• Own blog post: The Man Who Made Up Stories
• Own blog post: Obligations Don’t Exist

 

Thanks for reading

The man who made up stories

Once you a time, there was a man who liked to make up stories. He liked it so much he did it all the time.

When he heard people talking, he would imagine what they meant and why they said it. When he saw clouds in the sky, he imagined rain coming.

Very often, he was the hero of his own stories. When the characters he had invented spoke to him, he would make up replies to advance his plot. With the fear of rain, he would carry an umbrella. Sometimes he got what he wanted and would call it a good story. Sometimes, he got wet and called it a bad story.

One day, he hit his head and lost his ability to make up stories. 

All of a sudden, there were no more characters and he was no longer the hero. There was no more plot and no more story. Nothing was good or bad anymore. There was only the truth.

 – – The beginning – –