Category Archives: Philosophy
We say “I can’t” all the time:
“I can’t come to dinner, because it’s my wife’s birthday.”
“I can’t stop smoking. Its too hard.”
“I can’t figure out why I’m so tired. I’m just tired.”
But its never true. Every “I can’t” is always an “I don’t want to”:
“I don’t want to come to dinner because I prioritise my wife’s birthday.”
“I don’t want to have to deal with “too hard” while I quit smoking.”
“I don’t want to figure out why I’m so tired. I’m satisfied with ‘so tired’.”
If we can realise that “I can’t” is never an expression of ability, we will be more truthful about what it really expresses: Willingness.
If we can replace “I can’t” with “I don’t want to”, we will be more honest with ourselves and everyone else.
It will be hard, but we will be willing to do “hard”.
“Of course,” you will say, “there are limits to this denial of can’t.”
“OK, maybe I don’t want to go to dinner with you, but I can’t play anything on a violin! ”
But it’s not true. There are no limits.
If I want to play a violin, I will play a violin. It’s as simple as that. We are all amazing. We are all limitless. And we are all able.
If we want to be.
“No, no, that’s enough,” you will say, grasping at straws. “There are still some things I can’t do :
I can’t jump over a tall building without any aid from technology.”
And you will wait for me to say that you could try if you wanted to.
But I won’t. Because that’s not the point and not the truth that gives rise to the point.
Yes. There are some limits in physical ability.
I could not go out today and complete an Iron Man faster than anyone ever did.
I can’t jump over a tall building.
But that is not a reductio ad absurdum to the real point.
Because the point is not about physical limits and you damn well know it.
When did you ever say “I can’t jump over a tall building” until today ?
You are just looking to argue your way out of hearing the truth about how we all speak all the time.
And the truth about who we really are.
The point is about being a lion, not a victim.
We all have amazing ability.
We all have dreams.
We all have a “real me” hidden behind the bullshitting victim that other “me” is trying so hard to cling on to.
We can all be decisive and take ownership for whatever action we choose to go out and get.
We can all dare to announce to the world the limits we choose to place on ourselves.
And we can all believe in and be willing to be who we really are and do what we really want.
Sometimes I don’t want to.
And that’s OK.
But I always can.
And that’s the amazing truth about us all.
The following is a collection of phrases that I regularly think, say myself or hear other people saying. Some seem positive and some seem negative. But none of them are true.
Understanding this and practicing the habit of speaking the truth results from my learning about non-violent communication. Sometimes non-violent communication is about respect towards others and sometimes it is about self-respect. It seems helpful to me because I can more easily share opinions with others, being more open-minded and leaving room for dialogue in place of conflict. When I practice non-violent communication with myself, I feel more self-aware and more confident.
I say: I have to write that report this evening
How many times have I thought and said such a phrase? The problem here is that such obligations don’t exist. No-one has a gun to my head and I am free to choose the consequences of not meeting the deadline. When I hold myself to such obligations, I am denying my own ability to choose what seems right to me. And when I use this as an excuse to stay home instead of having dinner with friends, I am being dishonest about my preferences.
I prefer to say: A deadline was set for the end of the day and I would prefer to write this report to achieve that deadline
I say: I’m no good at playing the piano
Sticking labels on myself and my incompetence doesn’t make me feel good about myself. If I can’t play the piano at all today, it might seem fair enough to say I have a limited ability to play the piano. But when I judge that limited ability as “bad” I am holding myself to a standard which I value and then labelling myself as sub-standard. In my head, I create a self-image of someone hopeless.
I prefer to say: At the moment, I can’t play the piano to the standard I would like
Or: I can currently make sounds with a piano that do not correspond to the first graded level of piano playing
I say: That’s ridiculous!
..and I wish I could stop saying this! Sometimes it goes so quickly: Someone shares their ideas on things and in a flash before I can even stop myself, I pronounce these words, as if I was the holder of all the answers, the one who knows everything about everything. This kind of language is oppressive and impolite at the worst. At the very least, it translates as “What you say is stupid” and therefore doesn’t seem a nice thing to say.
I prefer to say: I don’t agree with your idea. It doesn’t fit with my way of seeing things.
Or: Given the information we have and my own vision and knowledge of the topic, I don’t see how that can work.
I say: She made me really angry
No she didn’t. She did something and I was angry. Anger is not something someone else can cause in me. To make such a statement is to deny the boundaries of responsibility when it comes to feelings. My anger is mine. Her (in)actions or words are hers. Changing this phrase to the preferred statement (below) helps me to take more responsibility for my anger and also to question which values and goals I have that are not in-line with the actions of the other person.
I prefer to say: She did XYZ and I feel angry
I say: It’s a beautiful day
Seems fair, right? But the truth is only that there are no clouds in the sky and the sun is shining with more heat than it was yesterday. It is also true that I like that kind of weather. But when I name things as “beautiful” I am imposing my vision of the world onto reality. Does this make it true? If I can imagine anyone having a different opinion (agricultural industry? not enough rain?) this should be enough for me to recognise that my words are no more than personal opinion.
I prefer to say: I like the weather today
All of the preferred statements above are attempts to use non-violent communication. For the purpose of this blog, I would define “violent communication” as any speech that mixes up (my) perception with (the) factual reality and imposes the former onto other people. When I push my vision of things on other people, it is not respectful to our differences or potential difference of opinions. It is a form of verbal aggression which can lead to confusion, conflict, loss of dialogue and even sadness and bitterness.
For example, telling my children they are being “bad girls” or that they “can’t do that” are simple everyday examples of violent communication that seek to impose my values onto them and to bend them to my will. As a parent, I might find it best that I decide for my children what they can and cannot do and I might even want to impose that on them. But when I present my ideas to them as the truth about “good” and “bad”, “allowed” and “not allowed”, my communication is violent: It imposes my vision of reality onto them in a non-respectful way. This particularly worries me since I know that my kids are like little sponges soaking up everything Daddy says for the future. If I can learn to instead say that “I don’t like what you are doing” or “In my house, I want you to follow my rules” this is much closer to the truth. It will open the dialogue with my children towards mutual understanding of what we all (don’t) like and or (don’t) want. And I leave them free to form their own opinion.
Outside of family life, the same idea is valid in many environments. I might argue that something is “not fair” when I really mean to say that “I don’t feel comfortable with it” or “I’d like to find other solutions where I get more of what I want”. I might say “You’re performance is unacceptable” when a non-violent version would say “I expected you to achieve XYZ and you haven’t so I am not satisfied”. I might say “You’re disturbing me” when the truth is that “I’m working on something now and I don’t want to talk’.
When we use non-violent communication, we respect the rights of other people to think differently and (importantly) we give them an open-door to reply with their own vision of things. We state things as they truly are and not only as we see them.
If you are in the business of oppression and control, stay violent. But if you want respectful communication and the possibility of dialogue that leads to sharing and deeper mutual understanding , go non-violent.
- Marshall B Rosenburg’s book “Non Violent Communication: A Language of Life”
- Own blog post: The Man Who Made Up Stories
- Own blog post: Obligations Don’t Exist
Thanks for reading
The depressed inventor hadn’t always been depressed.
For most of his life he had been really happy.
As a little boy, he loved to invent clever ways to fix problems. Once he invented a cat flap to feed the family cat when she came home in the morning. And to get to school more quickly, he invented a really big catapult to throw him from his house to the school yard (although Mummy said “No” to that one).
For every problem, he invented a solution.
And that pleased him very much for many years.
Until the day he ran out of problems to solve.
At first, he thought it would be a good moment to take a holiday. Surely when he came back, he would find lots of new things to invent?
But when he got home, he still couldn’t find anything to work on.
Until he had an idea: He would invent a problem!
For days and days, he worked very hard at inventing his problem.
No time to eat, no time to sleep. So much work to be done!
Finally, he was satisfied: He had a problem to solve!
So he set to work to invent a solution.
No time to eat, no time to sleep. So much work to be done!
He read lots of books and talked to lots of people. He made lots of notes and did lots of sums.
But after lots of time, he still hadn’t invented a solution.
And so he started to get sad. And sadder still. And sadder still, under he was completely depressed.
For the first time in his life, he didn’t know what to do.
So he went to bed and slept. And slept. And slept some more.
After a few weeks, the doorbell rang.
The depressed inventor dragged himself downstairs.
At the door stood Benny the Baker, who wanted to know why he hadn’t come to buy any bread for so long. And his little girl Jenny, who asked “Why do you look so sad?”
So the depressed inventor explained. He told Jenny how he loved to invent things to fix problems and how he had always worked hard to make everything work just so. When he told her how he had run out of problems, little Jenny started to smile.
As he started to explain how he had invented a problem, little Jenny started to giggle.
And when he said he was sad because he couldn’t invent anything to fix his problem, she just burst into laughter!
The depressed inventor looked at Jenny all seriously and asked: “What’s so funny?”
And so little Jenny told him:
“It’s so silly. You can’t fix your problem because you just made it up! And the more you work on it, the worse it gets. But it doesn’t even exist, because you just made it up! Your problem is that you had no problems and made up a problem so now you have a real problem because you can’t solve your problem. But there’s still no problem. It’s so silly!”
All at once, the depressed inventor understood.
Little Jenny was right.
And he started to smile again as he remembered he had made up his own problem.
And that’s not really a problem at all !
As a self-employed person, I have a tendency to work, work, work. But right now, it’s 9.15am and I still haven’t “done anything”. Is this bad?
Well, first of all: It is not true. Having gotten up at 6.30, I packed my kids off to school, spent 45 minutes exercising and have since been reading “Zero to One” by Peter Thiel whilst eating a healthy breakfast that I enjoyed taking the time to prepare. So I have done something.
But let’s pretend that I had just rolled over in bed, left the family to it and done nothing but sleep. Yesterday, I only did a 2-hour coaching session and I just spent all of July and August on holiday. That doesn’t sound like doing much. Is that OK? Is that what self-employed people do?
Last week, I read an article about the morning rituals of awesome entrepreneurs like Jack Dorsey or Mr Branson. Up at 5.30. Sport. Meditation. Family etc.. Inspired by that this morning, I thought I should probably now sit down and seriously meditate on my top 3 priority business objectives for the day, week and year to come. I should make plans for new services or products, improved efficiency and more profit. That’s what successful business types do in the morning, right?
But quite frankly, I can’t be bothered. I don’t need to do anything. Tomorrow and Friday I’ll be delivering training all day, my revenue-winning calendar is as fully-booked as I’d like it to be and I don’t have anything hanging over my head. Except the “self-employed-lazy-guilt”, that is.
And then the phone rings. Is it a new client calling to ask me if I’m available for training next Wednesday? What will I say? Strictly speaking, I’ll only be lazing around doing nothing but fuelling my own pleasure. Will I be able to say “No”? Can I tell the truth? Or should I say I’m fully-booked? What if he takes a day off himself and sees me at the cinema at 11am? Or running in the park? Where will I hide?
Or maybe it’s my mother, calling to tell me I’m a lazy freelancer and I can’t possibly expect to be successful if I just hang-around doing nothing when work could be done. “Everybody has to work”. “You can’t expect to just take random days off in the week. Your father could never do that.” Or even worse: “Don’t say ‘No’ to work now. You never know if you’ll still have more next year. You’re lucky people ask you. You should say ‘Yes’.”
Fortunately, it’s an unknown number. The stuff of voicemail. I don’t answer it. Today, I am calling all the shots. As I was promised when I read “Freelancing for Dummies” all those years ago, it would be great if I could do whatever I want whenever I want. If I chose to work for myself, it’s because I thought I could be a better boss to myself than anyone else. Well, I want a boss who loves my happiness more than the cash, productive hours or time-filling. Who is happy with achieving targets and going home early. Correction: Who doesn’t even call it “early” because that implies some form of 9-to-5 ritual just for the sake of it.
For the new season ahead, my boss is going to tell me take it as easy as possible. “The clients are satisfied and so should you be. And even if they aren’t, you can’t please everyone all the time.” Relax. It’s not lazy. It’s awesomely efficient, minimum effective dose. It’s long-term sustainable, more rounded and balanced. You deserve it. Not because you worked so hard before, but just because you deserve it. Full stop.
So go lay on the grass for a while..
ATD2015. Session SU304 is underway. Jim Smith says it’s not good enough to think out of the box. We need to get out of the box and act out of the box.
To do that, you need to keep your personal power. You need to be able to be vulnerable enough to be yourself and not cater to the opinion of others.
But it’s not easy: There are many ways that we lose our personal power, from having fear of failure, to wanting to be liked, being overly-critical of ourselves or being perfectionists…
If you (like me) recognise any of these things, what can you do about it?
In short: Let it go. (I knew that was the theme song for ATD2015)
Really, that’s the whole message: Dare to live in the moment, stop worrying and believe in your personal power.
Want to see it in action (that sounds arrogant!) ? Here is my improvised mini-presentation from Jim’s session…
As I said to Jim later on, I think the key message here is far important than this post gives credit. Probably, I am not the only person with “self-esteem issues”. Lucky is the man who can say he is really in the moment, not caught up in what is “good” or “bad”, what has always worked in the past, or what “should” be done into future. Many of us worry (Are we doing OK? Will it work? Will people approve?). And caught up in the worry (box) we try desperately to keep doing the same things we always did in the hopes of getting the same satisfactory result.
But is “satisfaction” what we want out of life? Or do we want more? Do we want joy and awesomeness? If the answer if “yes” then it can’t be about staying in our boxes and conforming (to our own self-image or that of other side). “Awesomeness” is not a thing you can put in a box, measure, write and run a process for. It’s a “way” and a “being” that has to be felt. You have to trust in it. And that requires a little faith.
Let it go.
Tolerance is supposed to be a good thing. The British stiff upper lip demands that we take a deep breath and don’t aggress those who don’t fit our standards. But this is not the same as true respect.
Today in training, we have discussed the different things that annoy us and how we deal with them. Participants have shared several examples of how people do unacceptable things, but they tolerate them. As if that’s a good thing.
But I only need to tolerate something I can’t tolerate! When someone is disrespectful, I can “teach him a lesson” or I can tolerate it. When someone exceeds the limits of what is acceptable, I can “put him in his place” or I can show tolerance.
But respect is different. Respect is true acceptance of the idea that I have my vision of things and you have yours. I have my beliefs and you have yours. I have my way of doing things and you have yours. None of them are “correct”, “better” or more “valuable”.
When I have respect for the vision, beliefs and behaviour of others, I have nothing to tolerate. I accept that everyone has the right to his own vision, beliefs and behaviour. Everything is “OK” and we can all agree to disagree.
Tolerance is SO last year.,,